You Can Keep Your Damn Hammer: A Guide to Surviving Holiday Conversations
My father used to tell this “joke,” and I use the term loosely:
A man decides he wants to borrow a hammer from his neighbor. As he’s walking over, he starts having second thoughts: He’s probably going to bring up the time I didn’t return his hedge trimmer for two weeks. I meant to, I just forgot! It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway; I mean, he kept my lawn mower all winter! By the time the man reaches the door, he bangs on it and shouts, “YOU CAN KEEP YOUR DAMN HAMMER!”
In our family, “You can keep your damn hammer” became shorthand for when we’d make up a whole story in our heads, assuming the worst before anything even happened. And honestly, isn’t that what a lot of us are already doing as we head into the holidays? We’re practically throwing the hammer at our family members before they even open the door.
This year, let’s try something different. Instead of assuming the worst, what if we came prepared? What if we made a few decisions ahead of time, either for ourselves or as a group, about how we want to engage?
Drop the Assumptions (Prepare Instead)
We’ve all been there: walking into a family gathering already armed with our internal narratives about who’s going to say what. But these assumptions often lead straight to conflict. Daniel Shapiro from Harvard’s Negotiation Program puts it well: “The moment our beliefs feel attacked, tribal impulses slice our humanity into categories: it’s us vs. them.” It’s the quickest way to turn a Thanksgiving dinner into a battlefield.
What if we approached things differently this year? Instead of assuming Aunt Jenny is gearing up to ask about your job search (again), come with a plan. Decide ahead of time if there are certain topics you want to avoid or approach differently. Recent politics? Maybe save that for dessert—or skip it altogether.
Tools for Better Communication: Community Agreements and the ELMO Word
If you’re up for it, try setting a “community agreement” with your family before the gathering. It can be as simple as, “We will listen to understand, not just to respond,” or even, “No one will talk about politics this year.” Don’t be afraid to write it out on a big post-it and put it in the kitchen where everyone can reference it.
And if things start to get a bit heated, consider using an ELMO word—short for “Enough, Let’s Move On.” Pick something that everyone can get behind, like “lasagna.” If someone shouts, “Lasagna” during a tense moment, it’s the signal to change the topic. It might sound silly, but it works! And make sure to include this word in your community agreement.
Connecting Instead of Debating
Let’s be real: you’re not going to change anyone’s mind about climate change or the election over dinner. So why not focus on connecting instead of debating? Ask questions that help you get to know the person, not just their opinions. My friend Ben from Hear Me Out suggests avoiding the classic “What do you do?” (people are more than their jobs) and instead asking things like:
What’s something you’re working on right now?
What are you looking forward to?
What’s the best book you’ve read recently?
If you’re looking for light-hearted conversation starters, try these:
When you hold up three fingers, which ones do you hold up?
If you could own houses in 3 places, money not an object where would they be?
Who would play you in a movie about your life?
If everyone in the world stopped sneezing, how long would it take you to notice?
When Conflict Arises Anyway
Even with the best intentions, sometimes debates happen. If your aunt and brother-in-law end up in a heated discussion about fracking, it’s okay to step back and let things cool down. Or, if you feel comfortable doing so, jump in with “Lasagna!” to signal a change of topic, or redirect with one of the conversation starters I shared earlier. And if things get really out of control and you need a third party to help resolve things, well, you know where to find me. 🙂
Happy Holidays, and good luck out there!
