Words Have Meaning: Be Your Own Personal Editor
Earlier in my career I had a friend who worked a floor below me and would text me at least once a week saying, “Can you come press send?” I’d head downstairs and find her staring at her screen, debating whether to send an email she’d drafted (and re-drafted). This usually happened after she received a challenging message, unsure if she was reading the tone correctly or if her response might come off too strong and escalate things. She needed a second set of eyes and an objective read on the situation.
In those moments, I’d review her email, make a few edits, and hit send on her behalf. It became a routine that served two purposes: it gave us a sense of shared responsibility, and we each acted as each other’s “personal editor” (since the “press send” request went both ways). Sometimes, when emotions run high, we all need someone to help us make sure our message is clear—not reactive.
Of course, having a “personal editor” isn’t always an option, so I’ve learned tools to help me self-edit when needed. One of the best methods I’ve come across for this is the BIFF Response® approach.
The BIFF Method
Through my experience in conflict resolution and training as a divorce coach, I’ve come to rely on BIFF—a technique coined by Bill Eddy. The BIFF Response® method stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm and is a powerful tool for responding to challenging communications while keeping things calm and clear.
Brief: Keep your response short. In high-tension situations, lengthy explanations or back-and-forths only increase frustration. A brief message shows that you’re not interested in prolonging the issue.
Informative: Stick to the facts. Focus on correcting inaccuracies without engaging in blame or personal attacks. For example, “I was out of town on February 12, so I wasn’t the person making noise that day.”
Friendly: Even when you’re upset, maintain a neutral or friendly tone. Avoid sarcasm or insults. A calm, respectful tone can go a long way in de-escalating tension.
Firm: Be clear about your position. Instead of saying, “I hope you agree…,” say, “That’s all I have to say on this issue.” Be confident in your stance without inviting further debate.
Example of BIFF Response
Before BIFF: “If you had read the email I sent yesterday, you would know Johnny’s Rate of Pay form was already submitted. I don’t appreciate you asking Jane in HR about this when you know this falls squarely within my scope of responsibilities.”
After BIFF: “Johnny’s ROP was submitted yesterday at noon. Submitting the Rate of Pay forms is my responsibility. If you have questions about any forms, please email me directly. I’m always available over email.”
Tips on How to Use BIFF at Work
Pause before responding: Give yourself a minute to gather your thoughts before responding with emotion.
Practice makes perfect: Start incorporating BIFF into smaller interactions to develop the habit before larger conflicts arise.
Get a second opinion: Find yourself a trusted "personal editor" that can give objective feedback on your response. And if you need an extra set of eyes, creating BIFF responses is my superpower! Email me with “Help with BIFF Response” in the subject line and I will happily help!
Communication tools like BIFF can transform how you lead and manage conflict. Practicing these techniques individually is impactful, but when a team develops them together, it can create lasting cultural change. If you’d like to explore how to build these skills across your team—whether through training sessions or individual coaching—I’d be glad to help. And in the meantime, email me with your BIFF questions—seriously!
